Blog Archives

Omer 44

Barukh ata Adonay, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al sfirat ha-omer.

Blessed are You, Adonay our God, ruler of the universe, who makes us holy with mitzvot and gives us this opportunity to count the Omer.

Today is day forty four, which is six weeks and two days of the Omer. Hayom yom arbaim v’arba she hem shisha shavuot ve shtey yamim laOmer.

Today is Gevura be Malkhut, strength within majesty, might within presence

I was talking on the facebooks yesterday, and ran into this bit about executive dysfunction. On “That Spoonie Feel”, a blog, someone wrote:

The more I find myself having to explain executive dysfunction to people the more I realise it’s near impossible. There’s a thing. I wanna do that thing, I really do. But no matter how hard I try to tell my brain to do the thing, it won’t do the thing. I can’t tell you the amount of hours I’ve spent scrolling mindlessly through social media wanting more than anything to stop, but I can’t. This concept is so ridiculously alien to abled/neurotypical people and makes awareness/acceptance for it so hard to achieve. If an abled/nt person wants to, say, have a shower, or get some food, they just up and do it, no second thought. But the amount of mental exhaustion that goes into getting myself to get up and do one of those things can honestly be disabling in itself. It’s not laziness, or not caring. It’s a total mental block between wanting something and doing something about it. I really wish the concept of this was more widely acknowledged. We are not lazy.

So, I thought about it and here was my reply:

“Tell me about it. I actually explain this using a business. Think of the executive function as the boss. I have a terrific brain – my r & d team. My workers, who make the stuff – my arms and legs – quite functional. My sales staff – mouth, ears – very well trained – does their job well too. I have people buying supplies, and stocking shelves. But my admin staff – the foreman who says, “keep working “, the secretary who manages the schedule and says where everything is, the boss who sets priorities and directs staff to tasks – in fact, the executive of the company- is missing. Imagine how well a company would work with no admin: no one to deal with bickering staff or conflicting priorities, no one to schedule anything or make sure that a team doesn’t go off on a tangent, no one to find the flipping replacement light bulbs! That’s what it’s like for me when I want to shower.

The other thing I do is i spell it out in painstaking detail. So, first, I have to decide it’s time to shower. Then, I have to convince myself to put the phone down. Then I have to stand up. I have to make it past 2 bookshelves without picking a book up. Then I leave the room, and remember to close the door quietly. Then I walk to the bathroom, but once there don’t remember why I’m there and return to the bedroom and pick up my phone. Then I repeat all this ten minutes later, and make it to the bathroom at last, only to realize I need a towel and I forgot to bring mine. Back to the bedroom I go!

By then, people are staring at me with a horrified expression on their faces, saying, “stop; please stop!’ ”

For me, strength is making myself get through the morning routine, making myself mark papers, making myself prep materials, and then STILL show up in front of people and lead them too. Strength is never giving up even if it took me 7 attempts just to make it to the shower this morning, because the blog isn’t going to write itself, and neither are the midterm report cards. Strength in leadership is being clear with people that no matter how hard it gets, it’s doable and worth the effort and I know, because I do it every day. Whether it’s with lists or games, sticker charts or points, candy treats or check boxes, I keep looking for ways to inspire myself, direct myself, lead myself and be the executive.

Today, may I have the strength to keep working out ways to be my own leader.