Elul 5

Today, the topic is acceptance, and I wrote a post which said things and used the word acceptance a whole lot. Then I read it and I realized it was a very mediocre post, written with thoughts and not with feelings at all, and not representative of who I am or what I want to say. Now, in 28 days of posts, there are going to be many crappy ones (I’m figuring at least 24), but the least I can do is not put a crappy one up deliberately. People read this stuff according to the likes on the blog, the facebook-y thing and the twitter. They deserve better.

The problem, you see, is I was feeling blah. There was too much to do in my day, and I wasn’t sure I focused on the right things and was properly efficient, and all that. I talked about accepting the limitations God gave us and being satisfied with what we were able to manage and all that good stuff. It just felt so tired, and so sore, and so old.

Then, a miracle happened. (I love being able to just say that, and have it be true. God is good.) I had to walk to my next student’s. By a weird conglomeration of forces involving bussing, distances and magic, it was actually faster to walk up the Bruce trail (a beautiful walk through a forest up a mountain) than to take the bus (a somewhat noisy, stinky and crowded machine, that is nevertheless extremely useful for getting one places). As I walked, I felt the cobwebs in my mind begin to blow away in the breeze. I was way less tired, somehow. I felt less blah.

This is bizarre, of course, because I didn’t get more done – walking to this student’s is a highly inefficient way of spending time. I should probably never said yes to working with him. However, the effect of the walk on me – well, like I said, a miracle happened.

We are such body-creatures! A walk, that’s all it took, for me to feel full of energy and possibility, and to start planning and dreaming again. I realized the real problem with this whole accept business is that while acceptance is an excellent thing, that’s not where I get my energy from – my energy, right now, comes from rejection.

Yup, you heard me right. I get strength from rejection. I reject being old. I reject any distances separating me from my loved ones. I reject time limitations and space limitations and any other limitations, because none of them can keep me from being amazing. I reject reality! It’s boring. I embrace the impossible fantasy of the Bruce trail being right behind my house. I embrace the impossible because it’s more fun and more exciting and … and more me.

I’m sorry. I tried. I tried and tried acceptance and being good with who I am and really seeing the world and the people in it and relationships as they are. I tried. Now, I say, hey. I reject it all! I am going to enjoy the life I’m living even if that flies in the face of reality.

Maybe that’s an acceptance in and of itself. An acceptance of the flow of goodness that I can access just by being. An acceptance of the beauty of nature, and the strength and resilience of my body, and the wonderful flavours in a peach. Maybe, the dichotomy we have between rejection and acceptance is born of our limited perception. Should we see the way God does, maybe rejection and acceptance would be subsumed into a greater whole where we live with both mindfulness and intention, large as trees and wild as water.

All I know is, today has been a surprisingly good day. Way too little got done and the work continues to pile up. I prioritised the wrong things and didn’t say the right ones either. And yet…and yet…I feel amazingly good. That’s something worth accepting – heck, never mind. That’s something worth celebrating.

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Posted on August 21, 2015, in Elul and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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