Counting the Omer – Day 29
Barukh ata Adonay, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al sfirat ha-omer.
Blessed are You, Adonay our God, ruler of the universe, who makes us holy with mitzvot and gives us this opportunity to count the Omer.
Today is day twenty-nine which is four weeks and one day of the Omer. Hayom yom esrim ve tesha she hem arba’a shavuot vey om ehad laOmer.
Today is Khesed be Hod, kindness within gratitude, grace within humility
It’s a cycle. (I say to myself, with a sigh.) I do the wrong thing. Things go badly. I panic. Things keep going badly. I realize it’s the wrong thing. I feel small and helpless and broken and humble. I feel like I may as well try doing the right thing because nothing else is working. So, I try doing the right thing. It works – things go better. I feel good about that. I feel really terrific about it. I enjoy all the good things I have. I start thinking I deserve them. I work hard after all! I enjoy the good things so much that I forget to be careful. Little by little, wrong things creep in. I stop doing the right thing. I do the wrong thing. See above. Gah! Of course, half the Torah is about the Jewish people doing this over and over again, so it’s not like I’m unique or anything. Still, I would like to do something about this cycle already. The problem is, the place where the cycle has to change is at the top of the cycle. It’s when I forget to be careful that wrong things slip in. I need to be doubly vigilant when things are going well to remember my gratitude. It’s gratitude and gratitude alone that will allow me to get off this cycle. As for the moments at the bottom? Maybe with a bit of kindness, I can stop the panic bits and get right to trying to do the right thing. So, being kind to myself, trying to remember gratitude, trying to break silly cycle.
Today, we are grateful when things go well, especially if we’ve contributed to the success. We are kind to ourselves when things are going badly, especially if we’ve been making poor choices and contributing to the problem.