Elul 23

Love

Wow. Love. It’s one of my core values. I only have 5 – all others stem from those. They have been gathered over the course of my life, slowly and patiently, with care and much thought. I believe in joy (to be happy and to help others be happy,) in learning (to learn and to teach,) in love (to love and be loved,) in integrity (to be true to one’s deepest self and to see the Godly in others) and in responsibility (to take care of the things that need taken care of and to get help when necessary.) Those are my foundation – and love is among them. They guide my belief. I believe in God, because I believe in the existence of Love, Joy, Knowledge, Wisdom and Caring. And what is God but unlimited love, joy…?

Love fails sometimes, of course. I’ve had my share of failed and aborted relationships, empty promises that never came to fruition, broken dreams. I’ve had my atheist days. There’s a lot of contradiction in it, less understanding than one might want, much confusion. What does one do when love isn’t answered? When love is broken? Does one re-evaluate one’s life values? Maybe one should rethink one’s values? Replace them with something more rational and dependable? Justice is a good one – or, no, better yet – independence. Sufficiency. Dignity? Courage. Serenity…

I come back to love. It continues to define the best of me, for better or worse. My life goals revolve around it (to build a beautiful, strong family; to raise amazing children; to have close friends; to help kids grow up to be wonderful people.) The two books that I consider define my adult life, Stranger in a Strange Land and A Bridge Across Forever, are about love. (My childhood defining novels were the Anne of Green Gables series and the Narnia series, and if you synthesize those 4 books, you’ll probably have a good picture of my belief system, and a blinding headache.) Love, where someone else’s happiness becomes important to one’s own (the Stranger in a Strange Land definition, and still one of the best I’ve heard,) is crucial to me.

And really, it comes from me, right? God doesn’t stop loving. I don’t have to stop loving. No matter what happened or will happen in my life, I can continue to love the people in it, whatever they think of me. Still, it seems to break that lovely symmetry I play with – ‘to love and be loved.’ How can I do that, when a friendship breaks down? It’s almost offensive to love a friend who doesn’t love one in response.

Part of it is perception. People love in so many ways – do I recognize that crumpled drawing handed to me by a kid, as love? Do I know that someone else yelling at me, fierce and angry and right in the middle of everything, is showing me she loves me enough to engage me, to want to make things right? Do I see love in people’s requests for attention and their requests for space, in long conversations and peaceful silences, in compliments on little things and criticisms in areas I can improve? Do I wait for specific people to show me love, or accept it from everyone who loves me?

Part of it is patience. All things, including relationships, have their ebb and flow, their ups and downs. I need to breathe, to wait, to laugh and to maintain what I can. I redefine. I go from ‘to love and be loved’ to ‘to love and be loveable’ and I let the universe manage the rest. I accept where I am…

You know, I talk too much. There are too many words here. Enough. I can do this whole blog in 13 words.

Love…desire… need…life…

Love…trust…respect…growth

Love…breath…peace…God…

Love